There is a character from a Sweet Valley High book that I have thought about repeatedly over the years. It was one of the “newer” editions (quotations because I was in high school when I read this), and the character —whose name I cannot recall— was the popular girls’ Hate of the Moment. They did everything they could to invalidate and exclude the character because of one trait that she had and the rest of them thought was uncool: Enthusiasm.

She was a nice girl who loved to surf; adventurous and easy-going, and got along well with all of the boys. She wasn’t the most beautiful, but she was comfortable being herself, and at the core, that’s what the other girls probably hated. In true Sweet Valley Style, the popular girls learned the hard way that loving and being true to yourself is the most attractive thing you can be. As a teenager, that really stuck with me.

I wish I could say that I took the moral of the story to heart and spent the rest of my days unafraid of my enthusiasm. It pains me to report that I didn’t. I had realized early on that I can be quite the chameleon. Plop me into any situation, and I will morph into whatever personality you need. While a useful trait in many situations, if you do it for long enough, you will forget your original shape. You hear that you’re “too much”, so you lessen yourself until you feel you are “acceptable”. When you sense that people think you’re “weird”, you let go of what unconventional things you love just to seem “normal”. The things that excite you become hidden, because you’re not sure if you’ll be loved for it. The tragedy of youth is that you often sacrifice being yourself for being liked.

I have unlearned this over the years. God has dug up the garden of my heart and pulled out the weeds that choked out its beautiful fruits. It’s an ongoing process of being molded back into the shape I was meant to have: strong, weird, wildly enthusiastic about everything, and loved. All of us have shapes that were created to be loved, just as it is.

These days, the word being used to shame people who are unabashedly enthusiastic is “cringe”. According to the Gen Alphas that live in my house, it means you’re doing something embarrassing and uncool at the core. Every generation really has its own customized way to cut people down, don’t they? Now, cringe is the thing you must avoid; the thing that makes you a social pariah. This is not unique to Gen Alpha though. Every single generation has their own version of cringe. I don’t know what it is about being excited or enthusiastic that makes people think it’s embarrassing. I don’t understand why being unimpressed and uninterested is considered the cooler choice.

This may seem trivial, but as someone who held herself back because she didn’t want to be too much, I believe it matters. How many young people out there are unable to embrace their true selves because they’re afraid of being cringe? How many young girls are pretending they don’t like something just to fit in? How many boys are growing up hiding their emotions just to avoid the label of nerdy or feminine or whatever? While it may seem like a simple word, we all know the power of labels, don’t we? It starts out as a word, and then it becomes an identity. These identities become a category that earns you either praise or a scarlet letter; a title that gets you a promotion or a gold star stitched onto your clothing. Words are alive, and they shape our perspective, which in turn shapes our reality.

Social media hasn’t helped any of this. The constant curation of feeds give us a very skewed perspective. When you only see the good parts of people’s lives, it will always seem better than yours. Consuming the fake, plastic version of existence will inevitably lead you to dissatisfaction. What doesn’t seem aesthetic will be cut out, even if it’s something you enjoy. Living every minute like you have an audience to please will lead you into focusing on what other people will like instead of what you actually truly enjoy.

I had a friend ask me today how I keep stoking the fire to create. What motivates me to keep making even on the days when I don’t feel inspired, or when it seems like no one else cares? I love that she asked me this question, because it’s one I have struggled with and have worked hard to answer.

When you have access to the numbers, they become your key performance indicators (KPI), and you start to base your effectivity on it. Now if you’re a business trying to sell something, then of course the KPIs are different. But as creatives, we can’t let the numbers dictate how we make, because it will strip away our honesty and authenticity. When we make based on what we think others might like, then the very heart of the art is torn out.

The way I’ve been practicing this in my own life is to choose to not look at the numbers. I have stopped hiding my like counts on Instagram, I will post whatever I feel like posting whatever time of day, I will ignore how many people have read my blog. I have also started referring to myself as a writer. I am a person who writes, who wants to keep writing, and wants to write forever. Therefore, I am a writer. I have never, ever felt worthy of that particular label, but I’ve started saying it to myself. One day, I’ll believe it enough to say it to others.

Now, this is the most important part— I have stopped making it about me. I know that sounds counterintuitive, considering this is a personal blog. What I mean about that is I know I am creating for a higher purpose. For a lot of artists, they create for the sake of creating. The act itself is their joy, and the finished product is then released into the world to do the work it was created to do. For me, that purpose is Jesus. I always pray before I write, and I ask to be led to write the thing that someone needs to read. To write a story or an experience that lifted me out of the doldrums or depression, and hopefully encourage those who are going through the same. I write in the hopes that people will feel how the love of Christ has worked, and continues to work, in my life and will want the same for theirs. None of this is about me, and all of it is about Jesus.

This desire to write has been in my system since I was in 4th grade. I have known for a very long time that it is what God has called me to do. But in the fear of being unliked, uncool, or cringe, I have held myself back from that purpose for very many years. Imagine all the time wasted not doing anything when I could have been enthusiastically doing the thing I was created to do?

So don’t hold back. Don’t deny the thing you enjoy. Don’t stop yourself from that nerdy interest or that cringey activity for the sake of pleasing an invisible crowd. Enjoy what you enjoy (I mean this about the things that don’t hurt other people okay!!!!), and feel free to share it with the world, with all the enthusiasm your heart can muster. Forget the numbers, forget the street cred, ignore the meanies. You never know who you are touching or changing or inspiring simply by being who you are, cringe and all.