I’ve never been comfortable with the idea that God “tests” us. It didn’t seem to fit with the God that I personally believe in, the one who is of infinite mercy and unconditional love. Isn’t testing the kind of thing that happens in abusive relationships? Isn’t it a maneuver employed by manipulative people who want to get their way? So I didn’t quite get why the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil had to be in the garden, didn’t quite grasp why Jesus had to ask Peter three times if he loved Him, why Abraham had to agree to sacrifice his son only to be taken back at the last minute. I didn’t know the answers so I just relied on my faith in God’s goodness and accepted that surely there must be a good reason why. Whatever that reason is, maybe I’ll always be too human to understand. Maybe the reasons are none of my business.

But even my unasked questions get answers, because that’s just how cool God is.

At the start of the year, my dad encouraged me to try this Bible reading plan he was using, the one from the app YouVersion. This is not an ad, FYI! But hear me out. It had been a while since I’d really dived into the Bible so I figured I would try it out. It’s pretty great cause you get to choose the voice of the person reading your Bible out loud (mine is an older gentleman who sounds vaguely British, and makes me feel like I’m in a grand study with a large mahogany desk reading by a fire). I read my Bible as I listen and it helps this brain of mine stay focused, especially through the extremely tiresome chapters about names and tribes and lineages that always put me to sleep. One of my favorite parts, and the reason I’m even writing this entry, are the devotional videos from The Bible Project. I’m a sucker for good animation, plus the dynamic pacing and succinct message holds my attention well. There is one particular video that has been on repeat in my head the past few days, and it’s the one about the testing of our faith.

If you don’t want to watch the video (but I recommend you do), what the whole of the Bible shows us is that testing can be one of two things: an opportunity or a trap. The answer will depend on who is placing the test before you, and whether they have your best interest in mind.

When God tests us, it’s Him giving us an opportunity to do something greater. It’s Him giving us an chance to exercise our faith, to trust His wisdom and perfect will. Often the tests are scary and requires sacrifice, but the other side of it is always abundance of God’s love. If you’re looking at it from a corporate point-of-view, you don’t immediately go to CEO. Nepotism aside, you go through levels, you do the work, you show your competence and skill. Promotion isn’t given without you proving your worth. In the case of our faith, God isn’t asking us to prove our worth (because nothing we do can ever make us worthy), He is asking us to surrender and give our total trust because He wants us to be in partnership with Him.

However, when it’s the other camp placing the test before you, often it looks so good— like a beautiful, delicious cake being presented to you right when you’re in the middle of trying to get back to a healthy weight. It has to be tempting so that you think it’s a good thing, while unknowingly walking into a big black pit that you’re going to have one hell of a time trying to get out of. This kind of testing has only one intention: to keep you from the grace of God.

This concept of testing being either an opportunity or a trap has become a real thing to me lately. Like I’ve just finished studying for an exam and immediately after the teacher yelled out POP QUIZ, HOT SHOT!

Last year, my husband got sick. To take care of him, I made the decision to stop working, for a bit. Writing was the only way I could properly process and handle last year’s tribulations, and there were quite a few. Since then I have been incessantly yelling into the void, every so often finding eyes and hearts that needed what I had to give. Going through that ordeal reminded me that this is what I should have been doing the whole time. Writing has always been my raison d’etre and I just forgot or got too scared somewhere along the way.This is what makes me happy, what makes me feel like I’m doing something fulfilling, and so I committed it to God. I told him, okay, here I am, here is what little talent I have, use me.

Just like all those people in the Bible, I have to surrender a few things to be able to step into the purpose God has laid out for me. Those “few things” are work and activities that take away time and brain space to focus on writing. The hard part is – those few things give me money! Those few things are a source of income. Giving them up means I am relying solely on the provision of God and the salary of my husband. To me, that’s pretty darn scary.

Here comes my testing moment: the last few days, almost every single day, I have been receiving messages and requests of what seems to be an opportunity to go back to my work. There it was, a chance to grind and hustle and earn. Stressful, but money-making. I could hear a teeny, tiny little screech in the recesses of my mind trying so hard to be heard, saying don’t you miss having money, Kris? Don’t you miss not having to budget? Come on, surely you can write and make money with other stuff at the same time…

It reminded me a lot of this other story we all know, the one involving a garden and a fruit of some kind, don’t you think?

So last night, I sat on my couch, quiet and staring off into the distance as my spirit battled inside of me. My mind was like a sandstorm of thoughts. Is this an opportunity God was presenting me? Or is this a trap that was put before me so I don’t fulfill my purpose? When I was working I could not write. Writing requires hours and hours of focus and practice and total immersion. You are a raw nerve when you write, and often it can be really lonely. Working is just people and systems and does not require vulnerability. It can be really stressful and mundane but it gives you money, and you need money to live!

I saw those two doors before me – and I knew I had to choose wisely. I know that even having a choice is a great privilege, because not everyone can choose. But this particular choice is my story, my plot. I am turning forty in a week. I am right in the middle of my life and just might be closer to death than I am to the day I was born. I might not have a lot of chances to get this right anymore. Then a question came to mind: Will I trust God’s definition of wealth and success, or will I go with mine?

It became easy, after that. I know that writing is what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s what God planted in my heart in fourth grade, writing in my Lion King journal about what a pain in the butt my cousin is. It’s the talent He started to hone when I won those essay writing contests. It’s the love He watered in my heart each time I spilled my guts out in the form of words and someone is touched, or felt seen by it. It’s not a big talent yet, and it may not give me the riches I imagined, but I do know that if I don’t take this step, I will never see where it can go.

So I’m giving up everything else and taking the opportunity God has presented me to trust His will completely. Even if I won’t know what happens to my words after I write them, I’ll just release them into the world and trust that they will do the work that needs to be done.

If you’re facing some testing today, if you’re presented with something you aren’t sure about, it might be good to pause and think about who is doing the testing. Watch your next step, and figure out if you’re walking into a door of opportunity that requires sacrifice, or a door that looks pleasurable but pulls you away from your purpose. I pray you pass this test with flying colors.