Oh God, I’m so tired.

I’m so tired of being scared every single time I have to pee. Of that moment each time I look down and hope to that there’s no blood. Tired that everything I do could lead to another contraction, another ER trip we can’t afford. I’m tired of not being able to do anything, which is apparently the best thing I can do. Being scared every single minute of every single day is so exhausting, I don’t even know how to explain it.

I miss being there for my little boy. I miss being able to express how much I love him by playing with him, and wrestling and running, and building, and going outside to look for abandoned haunted houses. I miss knowing that I’ve done my absolute best for him, and that today is going to be another day where he goes to sleep feeling loved and safe and fulfilled.

Oh god this entry is a mess.

Bed rest is messing up my mind, and not being able to live in my own house is making it even worse. Lord, help me find peace in this situation please. I’m just so tired.