The most beautiful thing about having lived a handful of decades is that with it comes a plethora of experiences — some of them wonderful, and some downright heinous. After 40 years, you can expect to have gone through the wringer a couple of times, and if you’re still standing and alive, that’s part of the reward.

That’s kind of how I feel about January 2026, which decided to pull out a couple of rough punches so early on. A friend passed away, our helper didn’t return from her vacation, and I got so sick that I considered writing a last will and testament. It was during that illness, as I withered in a 41.5 celsius fever at 4 in the morning, where I felt particularly targeted. It was a decidedly unenjoyable week where I had almost forgotten what wellness felt like, and I couldn’t help but think that someone seemed to have it out for me. You’re not going to win this, I whispered in my delirium to no one in particular. You’re not going to take me down.

All of that has passed now. My stomach has settled, my temperature is sane, and to my very great surprise, I remain quite unperturbed. My heart still feels full. My mind’s steely determination is undeterred from its purpose. All is well within my soul.

I’ve been riddled with anxiety pretty much my whole life, and imagining worst case scenarios and how I’m going to survive them is an enjoyable pastime for me. You can imagine what this does to one’s psyche; constantly being on survival mode is not good for your heart. Or your relationships. Or your mental health. You start looking for biases in your life to confirm that you are indeed being targeted, and the world is out to get you. It is no way to live.

This is why, as I enjoyed the cool January air, I was pleasantly surprised at my Mariah Carey-level of unbotheredness after such a messy January. Something in my heart and mind had changed, and I knew that there was only one answer: a life that is fully entrusted to Jesus.

When I think about everything that has happened in my 40 years, I am filled with gratitude for all the times that Jesus carried me through. Even if a lot of the problems were because of human folly, Jesus lifted us out of our own mess and loved us through it all. Opportunities opened, friendships formed, happiness that overflowed because my life was in the Potter’s hands the whole time, even when I didn’t know it. I think it is important to remember all the times that Jesus met us where we were in the past, so that we don’t find ourselves filled with dread about the future. Why would a God who has kept you all those times suddenly abandon you? He would not. He will remain faithful. When we remember that, life can bring whatever it wants and slap you in the face with it. You will remain standing, because your two feet are on the strongest foundation there is.

In a couple of days I will turn 41. My husband and I will go on a sunrise hike, and despite still feeling like a strong wind will knock me out, I am determined to meet another year doing something new. I want to see the sun rise on my life, from a vantage point I’ve never seen before. I want to be uncomfortable and tired and content. To remind myself that there is still so much to be done, and there is still so much God will do. To break past the limits I’ve put on myself and allow my brain and my heart to embrace this truth: I am loved. Deep down to my soul, including the gritty parts. And that my life, when in the hands of a Creator that made me for a purpose, will be molded into something I never even imagined. I want to stand on top of that peak and whisper to God, here I am Lord, send me.

That really is my only birthday wish—to be so full of God’s love that I cannot help but overflow. To fearlessly go where I am called. To unabashedly declare my faith. To give more than I receive. I am not perfect and I am still impatient and easily distracted and I laugh at some really dumb things. But if at the end of my days people know me for the love that overflows from every single pore of my body, then I will know that I really did live my life for Jesus.

I’m excited to be in my forties! Growing old is such a privilege. Not everybody gets to be this age, and I am so thankful to be here. Even if sometimes I still feel like a clueless kid looking up at her parents for instructions on life. That’s part of what makes it all so wonderful, I think; uncertainty is part of the adventure. I’m just really happy to be here. Thank you for being here with me.