Female friendships are so special. They are forged in this strange mix of tenderness and fierceness that I feel is unique to us. In our younger years, there’s a possessiveness that comes with the phrase “best friend”; it’s an honored title that isn’t handed out willy nilly. As we grow older, we can love each other so much that we become protective, to the point that we’d rather separate than continue to watch each other make terrible life choices. It’s an almost aggressive kind of love that I’ve only ever experienced with my girlfriends, and while it can be a lot to take, sometimes it’s what will save you.

I used to want to have a million, trillion friends. I wanted to like everyone, and to be liked by everyone. It was just so much fun meeting so many people and knowing so many stories, and I made it my goal to make everyone my friend. Whenever I’d meet a person who didn’t seem to like me immediately, they became a target – I’d make it my goal to get them to like me. But it all eventually becomes too exhausting, and really not good for anyone’s mental health, because guess what? You will not be everyone’s cup of tea. It’s just not realistic that you will have a real connection with every single person you meet. It’s also not realistic to exert the same effort on everyone you have some semblance of a relationship with. When you focus on quantity, you sacrifice a few deep and soulful connections for more surface-level friendships. While there’s nothing wrong with having a ton of friends, I’ve had to learn the hard way that sometimes, all you need are a handful that know you through and through, and still love you anyway.

I’ve had female friendships that I thought would last forever and ever amen but, whether through circumstances beyond our control or a conscious decision, did not last. I wouldn’t say it was anyone’s fault, really. Sometimes, like in romantic relationships, things just don’t work out. It doesn’t have to be bitter or angry, just… reality, I guess. They can be an integral part of your life, of who you are, and it’s okay when their part in your story (or yours in theirs) ends. You can be thankful for your time together and then move forward in different directions. It’s okay.

Then there are those friendships that have been dashed on the rocks, broken into little pieces, and yet somehow found a way to repair itself. I think it’s because we learn to give others and ourselves a lot more grace as we grow up. The things that seemed so life-altering when we were young now only elicits a chuckle and a little headshake. We change and what matters to us changes and I thank God endlessly for that. Change in a friendship can sometimes mean the end of it, but it can also mean we get to grow with each other. These are the friendships that have seen you pathetically crying over an unworthy boy, and have also cheered you on as you reach your life milestones. While it’s always possible for our roads to diverge in the future, when I think about growing old and who would remain in my life, these women are always there: gray, glorious, and fabulous.

I’ve been blessed that in recent years I have met a few more to add to that list. Women who value the same things and love Jesus like I do, who I can laugh with and work with and share life with. I will admit that when I was young, I didn’t always appreciate these relationships as much as I should have (too busy looking for love kasi). Through the years though, I have learned (sometimes the hard way) that female friendships are so essential to our emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. It’s a space where empathy, support, and strength overflows from, and should be invested in. We are strong enough to be each other’s pillars, but soft enough to be present without judgment. Better still, we also know when what’s needed is some strong advice, or a big tub of ice cream (without having to be told!)

I have been so much more careful about who I surround myself with lately, and now fully understand that the saying really is true: tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are. I am thankful that even now in my mid-life I have found women who allowed me to get close to their hearts, and who I know I am safe with. They help me be a better wife and a better mom. Living life side by side, watching each other grow, fail, succeed, explore, get lost, find their way again— it’s all a great big adventure when you’re with the girls. I pray I nurture them as best as they deserve, always.