The date on the piece of paper I was holding was February 7, 2024. It was written on my 39th birthday, at the first YAMO service of the year. My husband is the pastor of the young adults ministry of our church, Lighthouse Christian Community, and this year he started a new tradition. He asked everyone to take a piece of paper and write down their faith goal or vision for the year and drop it into our vision jar. It could be anything that they were praying about or desired to accomplish, and we’d read it at the end of the year so we can see how God had moved in our lives since then.

It was just a few days ago, during YAMO’s christmas party, when I finally saw what I wrote again and discovered that nothing I asked for had been given. I was batting zero.

I had prayed for only two things: that both my business ventures would thrive and succeed this year, so that I could overflow abundantly onto everyone around me. I wanted to succeed so I could give, and I felt like that was a great prayer request. To me it was realistic, it wasn’t selfish, and could greatly benefit the ministry we were serving. There was no way God wouldn’t let it happen, right?

But as I stood there reading my little piece of paper, I felt a twinge in my heart. None of my businesses flourished this year. When my husband got diagnosed with cancer, I felt it was necessary to step back from work so I could concentrate on my family. I’m not one of those people who can juggle multiple things and succeed. I am a one-thing-at-a-time kinda gal, always have been, and I have no regrets about that. My husband’s faith goal also included one major thing that didn’t happen: he wanted to be his healthiest this year. Instead, he’s short one major organ and is on lifetime medication. I was feeling pretty discouraged, to say the least.

Yesterday, on my daughter’s 6th birthday and a few days after I read my unanswered prayers, I found myself walking to the drugstore to buy her third bottle of antibiotics. She was in the emergency room with pneumonia, on her birthday, sitting on her dad’s lap watching Bluey on my tablet. The week before this she was down for days with fever due to a UTI. None of our plans had come to fruition, and we couldn’t even take her out to celebrate. We were not having a great time.

I kept my eyes on the ground as I walked, feeling deflated and frustrated and exhausted. My bag was heavy on my shoulder, the air warm and still, with not a tinge of Amihan in it. Why is nothing going right? I wondered. Was all this part of a new wave, or are we still riding the same one we got on in the middle of the year? I thought we were on our way down this swell, finally getting our feet on some solid ground. But now that the year is ending and nothing still feels right, I am almost afraid to exhale this breath I’ve been holding for so long. Realizing God had placed us at the opposite end of the spectrum made me feel some kind of way. Thankfully we were able to bring our daughter home and she spent the night of her birthday in her own bed, oblivious to the storm brewing in my heart.

Today, I didn’t wake up until 11AM, and even then all I wanted to do was curl up and disappear into my sheets. I would break into small sobs during the day as a feeling would well up in my heart and escape as tears out of my eyes. It happened as I folded laundry, or as I stared off into nothing, or during a random moment walking around. It was like there was no more space in me to hold anything in and my body was expelling the heaviness. Everything felt so complicated. Like I could try my hardest and yet it always came short- as a wife, as a mom, as a daughter, as a pastor. And now I didn’t even have a professional life to feel good about. What am I even doing?

Many times in the past, I’ve walked away when things got hard. Usually it’s an activity I’m not automatically good at, or a relationship that’s too much work, or there’s a really big potential for failure. Oh, if you only knew of the dreams I figured were too far out of reach, abandoned in the gutter, rusted and old. This life has gotten frustrating lately, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about giving up on a couple of things – mainly ministry. What if we just let other more holy, more qualified people take over? I’m too whiny for this, too judgy, too questioning. We won’t be missed, I’m sure. We’ll find something else to do. Let’s take this off the plate because it requires so much, and yet so often you can feel so unseen. Ministry isn’t for the faint of heart, and let me tell you, I’ve been feeling very faint lately.

So while I was folding laundry today, crying a little bit here and there, I asked, are you mad at me, God? Is it because my heart is wrong? Am I not supposed to be here? Why does nothing feel right? I just wanted some kind of clarity, some sign that things are going to feel okay really soon. That nothing else was going to happen and we could end the year on a high note. Fine, I’ll settle for a medium note even.

There was no big moment for me then, no loud and audible God voice that shook me. It was more like a slow trickle in my mind. I started to realize that my prayers were answered, I just didn’t like what the answer was. I asked for successful businesses, God said, No. The next question I should have asked was, okay God, if it’s not this, then what now? If not here, then where? Here am I, send me. I should have been quick to remember that it never ends with yes, or no. There’s always yes, and as well as no, but, like cosmic improv theater. God doesn’t withhold blessing, and he doesn’t punish for the sake of, there is always purpose, and there is always His timing. Sometimes, it just doesn’t look like the plan we had in mind. Thankfully, He’s always proven to be a much better planner.

So I came to one conclusion: I just have to choose to keep going. Because what’s the alternative? Give up? Nah. I think I’m done giving up on things, or on myself. While I have no real idea what the purpose of everything is just yet, I do know that God’s going to reveal it when it’s time. Or maybe He won’t, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just stand in the middle of the purpose one day and kinda just realize, ooohhh yeah, so this is why. I’ll just have to trust that while I may feel invisible at the moment, God always sees me, has a long memory, and a promise that doesn’t change: He will make all things work for the good of those who love Him. I know I love him, and even if I’m a petulant child throwing a tantrum, I know God loves me. At this point in time, and for all of time, that will always be enough.

I’m looking forward to starting 2025 with new faith goals, and while I do hope that next year will be a year full of Yes, and, I do pray I will have the kind of heart that can handle a No with a faithful and hopeful, okay God, if it’s not this, then what now? If not here, then where? Here am I, send me.