Here’s the thing, I don’t really know how to parent. I mean, does anybody really? I know what things I want to teach – kindness, compassion, grit, love, humor- but do I know for sure how? It’s especially hard on the days when I am or have NONE of those things; days when all I really want to do is lock myself in my room and sleep for a week. I honestly really don’t know for sure, and most days I’m just winging it and praying that I’m doing the right thing.

Today, Elon watched videos on his iPad when he shouldn’t have been. I was putting Lana down for a nap, and he promised me he would just listen to his songs on Spotify and play in his room. But when I went to check on him, he was watching videos. He was very sorry of course, as we all are when caught red-handed. But I silently went back to my room after I told him, “oh honey, I am so disappointed.”

You should have seen the look on his face, the hot tears forming on the corners of his eyes as he whispered, “do you still love me even if I done something bad?”

That’s what the picture above is about. I wished I could take away his hurt from his little heart but I knew he needed to learn that when you give your word, you need to keep your word. Trust is not something you can easily earn, so don’t break it. I adjusted Lana’s position and made space on the bed for Elon. I cuddled him as I told him that I love him no matter what, but he needed to learn that actions have consequences, always. He nodded his head as he gently squeezed my belly, its softness somehow always a comfort to him.

I took the photo because I wanted a reminder of this moment, when I wanted to teach Elon something and I had no idea if it was the right way but you don’t get to press pause and do research or focus group discussions on how to best parent a child. Most of the time, you need to make a snap decision and pray for the best. That was what happened. He’s now banned from screen time for two days, and I hope he learns what he needs to learn.

As I held my two babies, I felt the heaviness of the burden of parenting. I prayed silently, hoping that I don’t let them down too much or that the joys will outweigh the moments when I disappoint them. I’ll disappoint them, and they’ll disappoint us, I’m sure, but hopefully we love each other through it all, always.