There’s nothing quite like a conversation with a small child that will make you question all of your life decisions thus far. There we were, happily driving to my parents’ house, my son sitting beside my baby girl who was loudly cooing in her carseat. The sun shone through the trees, music was playing on the radio, and I was at peace with my life. All was well.

And then my sweet, constantly inquisitive five-year-old turns to me and asks, “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grow up?

And are you already it?”

Are you already it? The words echoed in my head in slow motion.

“Uhhhh…” I replied, eloquently. “Well honey, I wanted to be a theater actress. I wanted to perform on stage. And also, I wanted to write a book. I always told myself that one day, I would write a book.”

“What’s a actress, mommy?” He asked with furrowed brows. “Oh, someone who performs for a living. Like those people on TV and in those stage plays.” “Did you used to do that?” “For a little bit.”

He then very proudly announced to me that he is already what he wants to be when he grows up- a scientist! “Remember, I have my own lab in my room. That’s cause I’m a scientist!”

And then, out of the sweetness of his little heart, he tells me that he can help me write a book. “I have lots of pencils and paper in my lab, mommy. We can write your book with those.” Oh sweet baby angel, bless.

After that conversation, he got distracted by his sister’s shrieks, and he talked and played with her for the next five minutes that it took us to get to my parents’ house. Meanwhile, there I was, gripping the steering wheel tightly, haunted by the dreams of my youth and wondering if it was too late to let any of it happen.

This conversation stayed with me. All day long I concern myself with the life and well-being of two humans that I barely have enough space to remember if I’ve eaten lunch or when the last time I shaved my legs was. Do I really still have enough time and mental capacity to fulfill lifelong dreams? Do I still have the grit, wit, and personality needed to be a charming, entertaining character with stories that people will want to read? I can barely even hold one complete thought in my head! Do I really have what it takes????? GAAAAHHHHH STOP THE VOICES!!!!

Anyway.

I’ve calmed down a little bit. I reminded myself that I’m only 34, that my kids will soon be independent and won’t need me as much, and I’ll find myself with time and energy to spare. I trust God, and I trust that this season I’m in is just as important as the future seasons of fulfilling dreams. Meanwhile, I could take steps towards those things now, even little ones. Like this humble little blog and the many constant notes I write on random pieces of paper. Maybe one day they’ll be coherent enough to become an actual book.

This beautiful, chaotic world is constantly telling women that we just have to have everything, do everything, be everything. We fight to find contentment in our lives, but it is a constant struggle not to let all of these outside forces pressure us into doing and having just for the sake of . Don’t believe it- it is a lie. Everything has its own time, its own space, and we can’t rush it. Find joy in the season your life is currently in, while you faithfully and hopefully look forward to all of the wonderful things your heart desires. We’ll get there. I’ll get there. And then maybe after a few more existential crises while driving, I’ll finally be able to tell my son,

“Hey baby, guess what? I’m already it.”